So how did I get here? How did I discover polyamory, and start dipping my toes into this pool? What were the events and catalysts that led me here and the challenges on identity along the way? This is going to be a long one, especially to get things started, but I’m hoping that getting to know me, will help to create a better sense of relatability. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Once upon a time…
Alright, I’m not going to make it quite that cliche, but if I’m honest with myself and reflect on it, this is something that started for me in my early teens. Doing what many curious boys do, I went snooping a little and found my dad’s porn collection. He had a small stack of magazines that tended to feature lots of stories to go along with the pictures. Having a pretty active imagination, I likewise enjoyed reading these stories and playing out the scenes in my head for my own ‘purposes’. The ones I was particularly interested in were the ones involving threesomes, group sex, and even gang bangs. Aside from the thrill and fear of getting caught with the magazine itself, I was really excited by the fantasy of it all, though at the time it never registered as a real possibility. Yet, the seed was planted.
As I got older, I went through the stereotypical teenage dating scene. Being one of the more awkward kids around, I had a few girlfriends through high school and into college. Some lasted longer than others, and I managed to get my heart broken once or twice. While I was still figuring out my thoughts and feelings in life, there was always that lingering curiosity around group sex and swinging. I had found a couple of sites, but never had the guts (or at that point the financial means) to join up to one. I would see the ads, and browse past the sign-up pages, but never pulled the trigger. At that point, I was just a single guy, and for me, that was an activity for couples and single women. I managed to create a taboo around a thing I knew I wanted but could not figure out how to get there. Even if I did manage to get with a girl I liked, how does one even bring that conversation up?
Then came B.
We met while I was still in college, but home over the summer break. That was quite the whirlwind summer and we discovered that we really enjoyed each other. For now, I will just let imaginations wander and leave out the fun details, but needless to say, there was a connection there that was different than anything I had experienced before. All of a sudden it was fall and time for me to head back to school. I settled in and B, who still lived and worked in my hometown about an hour away, would come to visit me a few times a week. The relationship continued to grow, and before long I decided to take a risk: I decided to share my fantasy of swinging with her after only 6 months of dating
To my surprise and delight, she responded “Alright, tell me more about this and let’s see where this goes” She had no ideas about it either, had not considered it herself until that point, but was willing to give it a try because she could tell it was something that held some significance to me even if neither of us at the time knew quite what it was or why.
Over the next couple of years, we dipped our toes in having some good experiences, and some pretty awkward ones, but figuring things out. While I was the driver, she was a willing, yet sometimes reluctant participant. This was something that I did not always see and caused some stress between us as when I get an idea in my head I can tend to get solely focused on it, and miss the impact it may be having on the people around me. B is great at breaking me out of that and helping me to stay focused on what is truly important to me. At this point, I was still in the mental place of group sex and swinging being a couples based activity, so I knew that to continue to participate that I had to make sure to be taking care of my relationship with my partner first, or the rest of it all falls apart. I want to be very clear in that I take responsibility for losing some focus on B at times, and I appreciate fully how she manages to both support me and keep me grounded at the same time. I know completely, that without her there are many things in my life I would not have been able to achieve, both in my personal and professional lives.
As might have become obvious, B and I got married after a few years, and were enjoying the lifestyle and the connections that we had made so much that we even had some Lifestyle friends attend the wedding! It was fun to have this sexy little secret right out there so close to the rest of our family and friends. I guess I’ve always liked to be a bit of a risk-taker…
Not long after we got married ‘real-life’ started to settle in. Free from college, getting an ‘adult job’ took focus and there were a series of family and other challenges that needed to take priority so being involved in the Lifestyle appropriately got put on a far back burner. Honestly, for a few years, it wasn’t even on the stove, but for me, it was never forgotten. As before though, I knew that I loved B, I wanted to be with her, and she was (and still is) my number one priority. It was the better part of a decade while we worked through several challenges, and in the process not only figured out who we were together but also who we were as individuals. This second part was probably more difficult for me, as in my head I had always believed that once you were married you did everything together and that you ‘became one’ not realizing that you can still do that while having your own passions and being your own person. Coming to accept that for myself and take some time to find what is truly important to me is something I struggle with to this day.
** A slight aside: This blog is a part of that exercise for me. Not only do I want to share my experiences and my journey, but I hope that others can relate to this as well and it makes things easier for those in the same boat. Being able to look back and reflect on my journey is already starting to crystalize some things for me that I ‘knew’ but never really took hold until just now.
Fast-forwarding a few years, to the point where we were ‘getting back in the game’. This time getting back into the Lifestyle had a different feel. The part that I had always liked the most about being around other swingers was the freedom to be yourself. While in previous attempts it was all focused around the sex, which for B made it feel empty and dirty, this time it was more about the connections and the people that we were meeting. The focus was on other couples and making sure that we liked them as people outside of playtime, and not just auditioning fuck buddies. I wholly admit that this was a much better experience for me as well, and has been far more fulfilling, not only because I am getting more from it, but because B is as well, and I enjoy seeing her that way. We truly stuck to the ‘go the pace of the slowest person’ rule and instead of me dragging her forward when perhaps she wasn’t ready it’s caused me to slow down and make sure that I am not only more connected with her, but also with myself. This is just one of the many things that I appreciate about B and the immensely positive effect she has had on my life.
As we are settling into this new balance in our relationship, something seemingly innocuous yet significant happened. Just for kicks, I like to swipe through Tinder. There can be some rather entertaining profiles on there and I like to stumble through what might be located in my general area. Not really looking for a match but if one happens, then perhaps I’ll attempt to start a conversation. One day while swiping through, I match with a woman who doesn’t live too far away. She seems too good to be true, and after a short conversation, it becomes very apparent that ‘she’ is. This was clearly a scammer, and for the sake of my own entertainment, I decided to string this person along, laughing to myself and sharing my exploits with B as I waste this scammer’s time, hopefully for long enough that they can’t then target some other poor sap for at least a little while. As the conversation progresses the suggestion of me going over to her place for her to cook me dinner and us hooking up comes out. I laugh at the idea. Sure that sounds great, but B and I don’t play alone, so that’s not going to work and B isn’t into women like that, so she wouldn’t be interested. I show the message to B, figuring she would roll her eyes and maybe chuckle at it along with me. Instead she says “Mmm, I like the idea of you going over there by yourself, having some fun and coming home to tell me all about it”
Wait… What?
My mind is blown, and at that moment, something fundamentally changes. More on that later.
The reason I share this is to encourage you to step outside of the preconceived notion of how things ‘should work’ and explore what does or does not work for you. I am sure there are some other people in relationships, whether they are monogamous, swinger, ENM, poly, or whatever that feel like there is something more out there for them. I encourage you all to explore these ideas for yourself and find out what works for you. By this I mean consider what these alternative lifestyles look like and how it makes you feel when you consider these situations. Look beyond just the sex, and to the actual impact it could have on your life and happiness, and the life and happiness of the person or people that you are with. Then COMMUNICATE! Not only with your partner, but with yourself as well. By encouraging you to explore, I do not advocate cheating, or stepping out on your partner, then coming back and asking for forgiveness. Communication is the cornerstone of non-monogamy, and while it can be terrifying to be that kind of vulnerable with the person or people closest to you, the freedom that comes with it is so worth it. Yes, there is a chance that you can be rejected, or that other person gets hurt as a result of what you share with them, but keep the channels open and work through that with them. You may be surprised what each of you discovers as a result.
Please read on in the next post to see how my story continues.