There are a few things that I want to address right at the start, just to get them out of the way and set the table for the rest of the post:
First – A touch of social awareness:
In the world, as it is today, I am fully aware that there are others dealing with far greater challenges than me. In perspective, the things that make it challenging for a married, educated, well-employed, white cis-male trying to meet another amazing woman to have in his life are minuscule, to the point of irrelevant, but they do still exist and are present for me in the life that I am trying to live. I am in no way trying to hold them up in comparison to the much greater struggles of others, merely hoping that by sharing them others in a similar position can relate and know that they are not alone. Perhaps if I’m lucky I will create a little bit of space in the reaction of people who otherwise would have shut out a poly person trying to make a connection and consider an alternative to the narrative they have created for themselves.
Second – Solo Male vs. Single Male:
This is my definition and language that I am adopting for myself and the way that I view myself in the world. I am open to debate and discussion about it and honestly encourage it, as I feel that can only lend to expand and spread the conversation.
Solo Male: A male who is married (or in an otherwise committed relationship) and plays alone with the full knowledge, consent, and understanding of his partner(s).
Single Male: An otherwise unattached male, looking for whatever connections suit him
The traditional language of a single male in society comes with the accepted understanding that this person is not in a relationship. I am in a relationship and do not want to hide that as a part of myself while looking for new connections. Yes, I play alone, but I always want my new partners to know that I am in a relationship. For many, even those looking for casual hookups, they are not comfortable playing with married men whether the relationship is open or not, so just like I would not want to mislead my wife I extend that same courtesy to any potential connection I may develop.
Now the challenges themselves
Challenge 1: Single Male Stigmas
Single males are a dime a dozen in dating scenes. There is an overabundance of them, and many are very aggressive, leading with dick pics and requests to just get right to fucking. That works for some, but it’s not for me. Managing to do something to get the attention of a woman I am interested in is a challenge when there is a flood of more attractive men out there. Women can get numb to the advances and burn out of the game altogether. This is a challenge for all men in general, but for those of us trying to find a real connection, it feels that much harder to be noticed and not just lumped in with the fuck bois.
Challenge 2: Married man playing alone stigmas
There are enough men over time that have stepped out on their wives that the concern is always there for potential connections. Whether that man chooses to hide the fact that he is married and pretends to be single, or doesn’t hide that he is married and plays anyway asserting that he is in an open relationship (even if he is the only one that is aware of it). To me, that is cheating, not polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, and this dishonesty can lead to drama and heartbreak that I do not want to be a part of. As many things do, this comes from either poor communication or a lack of it altogether.
The best that I can do here is to share where I am at and that my wife knows and supports hat I am out making connections, and it is on the other person to accept that explanation as fact and take the chance on me knowing it. My wife likes to know what I am up to, but unless there is an extended thing going on, does not care to be involved, so it’s not like I can have her hop on a phone call to verify my story.
Challenge 3: Interacting with other swingers
Some of this one is self-inflicted, and some of it is bleed over from the previous two challenges. Because of my journey to polyamory, B and I have some profiles on different swinger sites. So naturally, these because a way to try and connect with other non-monogamous couples. I did not want to create a profile as a single male both because I didn’t want to come off that way and get lost in the shuffle, and because I honestly didn’t want to pay for a second profile. As such, I use our couples profile when reaching out to make new connections with those that are open to males. In our profile, I have clearly stated that it is just me looking to meet with new people and that B is fully aware. There are pictures of both of us, and we are paid members. However, approaching another couple or woman in this fashion cuts both ways. While initially presenting as a couple at first glance, there are a few ways these interactions can go:
- The ideal path is that the other woman/couple read the profile, see where I am coming from and we have a conversation that leads to a connection, however, this is a very uncommon path, and when it does connect it’s generally to have me come in as a ‘guest star’ in a fantasy of theirs. While I am honored and open to this as a possibility to have some fun, I much prefer to develop friendships and recurring things rather than to feel like a disposable plaything.
- More commonly, they will ask why B is not playing and if there is any chance of her playing in the future. Thus giving a distinct impression that I am just a means to get to her, and that there is not an opportunity to make the type of connection that I am looking for.
- They will assume that I am one of the scammers on the site that is a single male pretending to be married to connect with a couple only to have his wife ‘be sick’ or otherwise not able to make the meeting. There are too many tales of things like this happening, and while I cannot force others to believe that this is not the case for me, that door tends to get closed pretty quickly.
- Finally, many swinger couples are only looking for other couples or single bi-females to connect with and single or solo males are not on the menu for them. I can’t blame them for this, I spent a lot of time there as well so I get it. Occasionally there will be a couple that is interested in bringing in another male, but now I am competing not just against other single/solo males, but also other couples, and females for their attention and it’s more often than not a losing battle.
Challenge 4: Poly scenes can be hard to find where you live.
I live in a more conservative suburban area, and while I’m sure there are some more open scenes relatively close by, finding and getting into them can be challenging. There are some crossovers with the swinger and BDSM communities, but that’s not always the best fit either. I can see on social media and other sites where there are events in other cities, and hear about them on the podcasts I listen to, but they always feel a bit out of reach. I am sure there are others near me, somewhere, but the circles feel small and relatively closed.
Woof, ok. That was a lot of what could be perceived as complaints. Not the light-hearted stuff that tends to come from other sex-positive/swinger blogs that I am familiar with. All of it being said, I appreciate these challenges for what they are, and when a connection is made it makes it all the sweeter when one does happen. I love the life that I’m living and that I have the freedom to be me. That’s a lot more than many can say, so I am thankful for it.
If you take anything away from this post it’s to take a minute and consider what may be going on for the person on the other end of the message. Don’t just assume that everyone is a scammer/cheater/liar, or just a thirsty fuck boi trying to get laid. Of course, if they lead with a message saying ‘wanna fuk?’ and a dick pic, you’re probably pretty safe in assuming where that one’s going to go.
If any of this resonates with you, or if there is another challenge that you are running into, please reach out to me, and let’s have a conversation. I would like to hear other perspectives, and through that let others know that they are not alone out there.