The realization that it was ok to play alone was a huge one. Not just for myself but my relationship with B. I had always known that swinging was something that I enjoyed more than her, and while she had some fun as well, much of it was for me and because she enjoyed seeing how much I enjoyed it. I always try my best to not get her into an uncomfortable space or push her limits, sometimes I get carried away. Having space to now do some of this exploration on my own, and share it with B as it develops, has allowed us to open yet another level of communication. That alone has been a breath of fresh air but this whole next stage, like any new venture, has had its ups and downs. I have learned a lot about what does and does not work for me. Let’s take another walk down the path:
One of the first interactions I had was with a woman who was looking to bring in another male for a threesome with her male partner. Initially, there was a connection there, and the conversation was going well. When the day came to meet, things came off the rails. It was pretty clear that I was just a prop in their play, that they were not interested in me as a person. While that works for some, I quickly discovered that it does not work for me. So we chalked that up to a lesson learned and moved on.
While continuing to explore this new space and settling into a ‘stag husband’ phase, I met another woman, who was a (soon-to-be) hotwife as a part of a swinger couple. She was interested in me as a person, in addition to wanting to play. We struck up a friendship with both of them and have gone on a couple of dates – both as couples, and just her and I as individuals. It’s always fun together with them and we all enjoy that time. We, in turn, were invited to their wedding, and have done some other vanilla events with them as well. This is the type of relationship that we really appreciate coming out of the lifestyle and these connections. Getting to know people that have similar interests to us and like to get together to just be ourselves with each other and shed the veil that we seem to have to hold up around ‘regular people’.
Getting closer to the ultimate goal I met another woman who has held my attention for some time now. Let’s call her ‘K’. We have a lot of fun sexually and challenge each other mentally. I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, and K puts me to shame. It’s part of what I like about her. We have gone on a few dates, had more than a few booty calls, and she has attended a couple of swinger events with me: one with B and one without. She is the first girlfriend that I have had since stepping into the poly world. Unfortunately, life took her out of state, but she has come to visit a few times and will stay the weekend with B and me, which we all enjoy. I have yet to get tired of hearing my wife tell me “K needs you tonight, go have fun, and come back to me when she’s done with you”. It has been an enlightening experience for all of us, has helped me to figure out what works, and I look forward to seeing how it develops.
I made a few other connections via some dating apps that have turned into fun, but casual relationships, and realized this is something I enjoy. I want to hang out and enjoy the company of people who want the same from me. If we also get to play with each other then that’s a great bonus, but I want to like you as a person. I would like for these casual relationships to develop into more of a girlfriend over time, but as with all things it would need to be with the right person, and have the right dynamic with B. In the meantime, I am enjoying the casual connections for what they are.
Playing the role of a ‘solo male’ – which is how I refer to myself, as opposed to a ‘single male’ – can be a delicate balance. In the effort and practice of openness and communication that I enjoy so much about the swinging, poly, and ethically non-monogamous lifestyles, I do not hide that I am married from the women I connect with. More often than not this is where they step away, but some appreciate these alternative lifestyles and are ok with exploring the connection that we have fostered. This is where my extroverted side comes to life. I enjoy the thrill of making these new connections, even if they are only via messaging platforms considering the current state of the pandemic here in the US. It’s always fun for me to put myself out there and see what happens. I know that my situation does not work for many, but finding the precious few for whom it does is as much a part of the fun as anything else. There are some other challenges out there as a ‘solo male’, which I will discuss in a later post.
The thing that has surprised me the most is the connections that I have made that I would not have expected going in. Because I am exploring the space, I have been open to any opportunity that has presented itself to see where it takes me. Sometimes it’s just a silly conversation that lasts a day or two and fades away. Sometimes it’s someone with real questions about what it’s like to live a non-monogamous lifestyle. While I am still figuring it out myself, I truly enjoy talking about it (hence why we are here). It has opened my mind as well in terms of really being vulnerable with people, letting them get to know you, and getting to know them in return. While the sex is a lot of fun, getting to know other people has been my favorite part.
Ultimately, I (and B as well) would greatly enjoy having a live-in girlfriend for me, that B can also be great friends with. Someone who enjoys being part of both our lives, not just a plaything, but rather a partner in our household. As a result, I get to have my cake and eat it too, I’ll fully admit that, but it’s something that seems to work for B and me.
Through it all, B and I had talked and we both know and understand that our relationship is the priority and that at any point if she is feeling neglected or threatened, then she will let me know, and I regularly check in with her so as not to put the entire burden of communication on her either. In this way, we are engaging in our own brand of hierarchical polyamory. It’s what’s working for us right now, and we’re going to continue with it until it doesn’t. At which point, we will re-evaluate and see where this adventure continues to take us. Knowing that at the end of the day, my heart and my commitment lie with her and that I will come back to her because she is the one that I choose every day to live my life with. Opening up and talking through these things has increased our trust and communication to levels I didn’t know was possible, and it’s been one of the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced.
All of this has come from taking the chance, being vulnerable, and sharing that little voice in the back of my head that was telling me I needed something different than what was happening. I was petrified that I would scare B off, and feel blessed every day that instead she opened herself up in return and brought me closer to her as well. Be true to yourselves, so you can do the same with your partners. They will thank you for it.